Personal demons

Throughout my life I’ve faced my insecurities, just as most people do, but to focus on everything and to re-evaluate my life regularly due to low self esteem and self worth due to several reasons, was dam difficult. The feeling of looking forward to going to bed and dreading waking up for numerous years on the bounce was horrible. I felt that the only time the mental pain stopped was when I was asleep and safe. Even when that front door was locked, I felt that the demons both mental and in human form, were going to come and get me and hurt me. Contemplating suicide from the age of 13 just isn’t right morally and the issues I went trough put me under that pressure.
Name calling for nigh on 6 hours a day for 5 days a week, drove me to crazy thoughts. It may not seem like much to some people who live by the old saying of “stick and stones may break my bones but words shall never hurt me” but it still hurts now. Some of the chants and names I was called still echo though my mind regularly. “Perfect” was a song which was changed into a song to insult me a lot. “You are nothingggg you’re Ben Tipton” was a favourite of some of the bullies. I’ve tried and tried to extinguish it from my mind, but it’s just not going to happen unfortunately.
Mental demons of constant self punishment and always putting myself down, did me no good what so ever. Anyone who knows me, will know I always stare at the ground and look down a lot. Even know when I’m a stronger person, it still happens. It took soo much to hold my head up high and be proud of who I was. Counselling for me was just a chance to get out of a lesson and be away in a safe zone from the demons of all capacity, and it usually got me out of maths which wasn’t a bad thing!:)
I’m not afraid to express my feeling these days and make people aware of how hurtful some people can be and what I was put through. I felt I was made to feel like an outsider on numerous occasions and if anything was said by someone else and I repeated it, it was made out to be that I said it in the first place and I only said it. Suppose that’s how people viewed me. Pick on the people who were already picked on as it was the norm and easy to do so. I believe that fighting these demons and my brain saying “no” a lot, and trying to make me give up on myself was pretty crap. Even now when I fail at things, I put myself down and slate myself. Do I believe that I would still do that if I wasn’t put through the torture that I was? Not at all.
People will read this and think many things both positive and negative and to tell the truth, I hope people understand why I’m doing this.
Thanks for taking the time to read this,
AR